Do you think every president goes through a awkward first few weeks in office when they’re not sure when’s the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?

(Source: star-loser, via sweaters-n-shit)

  • men: women who wear makeup are just lying to us
  • men: it's 8 inches


do people wear glasses during sex or is it just like you’re blind and everthing’s a surprise

(via fuckyeahtxtposts)

(Source: geesehater, via nicoosuxx)


why do shampoo bottles weigh hardly anything but when you drop them in the shower they turn into a meteor

(via nicoosuxx)


Eyebrows so strong they bench press 350

(via fuckyeahtxtposts)





how do u be an adult

ya gotta own a briefcase and then fuck it


the briefcase

ya gotta fuck the briefcase

(via nicoosuxx)



there are five frogs staring at me right now

but only one can be america’s next top model

(Source: reconcicle, via fuckyeahtxtposts)


mom? yeah hey its me. i just called to—what? yeah i’m doing fine thanks. listen i was playing call of duty and this kid said some really shocking things about you and i just had to confirm that they weren’t true

(via fuckyeahtxtposts)

hey so i know this is tumblr and we all have a lot of different opinions but

fuck wasps

(Source: chenyakumo-remade, via chocolatecoveredlesbianpetunias)

have u ever accidently opened photobooth and had your natural expression staring back at you

it’s horrible

(via chocolatecoveredlesbianpetunias)

all i do is sit around and eat and be sad im basically a more annoying version of a plant

(Source: sadillite, via chocolatecoveredlesbianpetunias)

how to give a good handjob

  • bop it
  • pull it
  • twist it

(Source: daenerystargayren, via chocolatecoveredlesbianpetunias)